Apple’s keynotes are getting awkward…

I started writing this the day after the keynote was downloadable on iTunes, but alas, I had to come back to it later (now) because I felt my thoughts were rushed and emotional.  Surprise, I’m a Gemini.  Instead of a big rant, I decided to go bullet-point style.  Here you go:  What was awkward about Apple during the iPhone 5 Keynote.

• The 26 seconds it took for the keynote video to actually start.

I’ve never noticed Apple do this.  It’s a recorded event, and it’s edited and put online for download.  So, we needed 26 seconds of silence in the beginning?  Awkward…

• Tim Cook:  “We’ve got some really cool stuff to show you…” (Pause for applause/whooping/hollering)

And there was none.  I may have heard a breeze and seen some olde tyme tumbleweed though.  Steve Jobs would never have allowed such an uncomfortable silence.  He would have marched on, not giving a crap whether anyone took the applause bait.  Awkward…

• Tim said it’s “an extraordinary time” at Apple.

Why?  Such strange verbiage being used by Apple PR since Steve Jobs passed away.  “Resolutionary”, “Completely renanoed”, “Engineered for maximum funness.” – What?  Still, that’s just the silly stuff, this was serious.  What is so extraordinary?  The engineering feat that is the iPhone 5?  As far as I’m concerned, this is ordinary for Apple.  Why not point that out and boldly state, “This is an ordinary time for Apple.” and explain why.  Morning headlines made.  Boom.

• The store in Barcelona.

Tim says it’s on the Passeig de Gracia – in Barcelona.  Yeah, you said that.  Again, Steve would never do this.  It’s a tiny oddity, but a glaring one since we’re used to year after year of listening to Steve Jobs deliver perfectly timed presentations.  Tim clearly stuttered here and wasn’t following the “script” as it were.  Poor form.

• Limestone from a local quarry.  “No one would have done this but Apple.”

More on the Barcelona store, and this just came of as pretentious and unnecessary.  A kind of “This is what we do, isn’t it cool?  It’s still cool, right guys?” comment.  No, Tim, it’s not still cool because everyone does that kind of shit now.  Tone it down a notch.

Lastly, I think we’ve had enough of the videos of store launches.  They’re all the same.  We get it.  Lines of clapping employees, catchy music, shots of trendy and not-so-trendy people living in unity, etc.  There’s no need for this to take up keynote time.

But obviously, there was a need.  Not enough keynote content to fill with iPhone 5, iOS 6 and iPods?  Also, usually Apple uses pretty fringe artists and music for these videos.  They’re known for finding interesting groups and bringing them to the forefront with their commercials and the like.  This time jumped right to a wildly popular band and used their number one hit with Imagine Dragons’ single, “It’s Time.”  The whole thing had more of a “Look what our video editing department can do!” feel rather than needing to show off the  “special” store opening.  But guys, don’t forget to clap afterwards.  Awkward…

• Mac sales:  Apple notebooks are the new #1 in the U.S.

Do we need to keep doing the Mac vs PC thing?  Can’t we move on to just referring to Apple’s notebooks and computers as Apple computers?  I get that this goes hand in hand with Apple’s quest to be “special” and “fringe” or even a little cool-kids-club like, but I think the company and the image people have of it has grown up considerably over the last 10 years to the point that this mentality is no longer necessary.  It’s just awkward…

• iPhone 5 rises out of the stage floor.

I won’t spend much time on this “bit” because it was self-degrading and doesn’t need my help much.  Just what the fuck?  Was it supposed to be funny?  Even when it started rotating after Schiller said, “It is an absolute jewel.” the crowd couldn’t help but chuckle.  So incredibly awkward.

• Taller screen, taller apps.

Updated apps like Keynote, Pages, all take advantage of the taller display.  Yeah, it’s taller.  That’s cool.  Clearly just a quick chance to remind you about these apps existing at all.  The third party previews of both CNN and OpenTable were ridiculous.  Nowhere in those 4″ updates was there any added functionality that was hard to implement in the 3.5″ versions solely because of the 3.5″ screen.  They just updated shit and made it prettier, which is nice, but don’t pass it off to us like it’s a revolution in what can be done with an iPhone screen.